Albus Potter's Mundane Life
by agoddamnbeach
Summary: Albus Potter wakes up one morning and finds out his father is sleeping with his ex-girlfriend. It only gets worse from there.


**A/N: So I've decided to create a lighthearted story this time. Yay! I'm rating this T, because M seems as bit much, but there is some bad language/inappropriate situations and talk, so be warned. Reviews are always appreciated.**

**Disclaimer: The characters and world of Harry Potter belong to J.K. Rowling.**

Albus had long yearned for something to break up the dull monotony of his life, but bumping into Nora Finch-Fletchley, his ex girlfriend of three years, coming down the hall wearing nothing but a bedsheet as he got ready for work was not what he had in mind.

"Al?!" she shrieked, her eyes as wide as saucers. "Harry said you had your own place!"

Albus gaped, too many questions coming to mind: why was she here? _Naked? _Why had she called his dad 'Harry'? Oh God.

"Nora-"

"Albus, I-"

"Did somebody say my name?"

As if to parade Albus's worst, most nightmarish suspicions in his face, Harry Potter emerged from the master bedroom with nothing but a sheet wrapped around his waist. And _put his arm around Nora's shoulders. _

"_DAD!_ WHAT THE HELL?!"

Harry didn't even look fazed. "Albus, I can explain."

"No! No, you effing CAN'T explain! There's nothing to explain! It's plain in front of my face! You slept with my _ex-girlfriend!" _

"We've been sleeping together for a month, actually," Nora interjected. "Though that may change because _somebody _lied so we wouldn't have to stay at my flat as usual." She gave Harry evil eyes. He grinned sheepishly.

"Nora, honeybunch, hear me out-"

"I'M NOT FINISHED!" Albus exploded. "Dad, you and Mum were just supposed to be doing a _trial _separation. Remember? Your marital vows?"

Harry gave him a patronizing smile, as if Albus was that little boy petrified of Cornish pixies once more. "Albus, I don't want to speak ill of your mother, but let me assure you that she's not stayed exactly, erm, _pure _these past few months."

"What does that have to do with-"

"Now, Al, I'm going to be making Nora and I pancakes. Would you care for some?"

"I have to go to work," he said through clenched teeth.

"Ah, of course. You can't keep your uncle waiting, I suppose. Now, Nora, do you want blueberry or plain?"

When Harry disappeared downstairs, Albus glared at Nora.

"How could you, Nora? We were together for three years! _We_ never even-"

She just smiled and walked past him towards the stairs. "I'm really sorry, Albus. It's just that your dad is, well, Harry Potter. And he's great in bed. It's probably because of his . . ."

She leaned in closer and whispered in his ear.

" . . . _giant cock._"

With that, Albus decided to Disapparate. Shaving be damned.

XXX

As a child, Albus had been conditioned to believe he could be anything he wanted to be. Ginny and Harry had encouraged their precocious middle son without fail and had supported his every announcement of what he wanted to be when he grew up. They cheered on his every good mark and O.W.L. earned, and when he excelled at his N.E.W.T.S., they were joyous. James may have been a prodigy on the Quidditch pitch, but as his mother whispered to him once, "Albus, your brains are far more valuable than James's athleticism will ever be."

By the time Albus got top marks on the N.E.W.T.S. he'd decided he wanted to be an Auror, not out of any especial passion for Dark Wizard or neo-Death Eater hunting, but simply because becoming one seemed the acme of academic achievement.

Albus signed up for the test that allowed admittance to the Auror Academy . . . and promptly failed the crucial physical portion. He'd never been an athletic guy, had always sucked at Quidditch and was always rather spindly, but he had to admit he hadn't seen it coming. He was the son of the head, for Merlin's sake.

So while he figured out Plan B, his Uncle Percy, Minister of Magic, had graciously given him the position of Junior Assistant Undersecretary to the Minister, or as James liked to call the title, "the Under-Under-Undersecretary".

The position mostly consisted of him going out for various beverages throughout the day.

Speaking of James . . . his mother's encouraging prophecy hadn't exactly panned out. Albus still lived with his parents, while James had been recruited immediately as a Chaser for Puddlemere United and had become their star player, rolling in money and babes. Go figure.

From then on, Albus had been rather cynical about the value of his "brains" in today's world.

"Good morning, Albus!" Uncle Percy, er, the Minister called out rather enthusiastically when Albus came into the office. "You're looking rather scruffy in the face!"

"I didn't have time to shave, sir."

"Remember the dress code, lad! _You _represent the Ministry whenever you enter a coffee shop!" Percy exclaimed cheerfully as he busied himself with making a paperclip chain. "Now, I'm giving you a very important duty, my boy. You have to write out the office budget onto this parchment."

"Really? Me?" Albus's heart soared. Finally, a duty that did not involve filing or buying things for his superiors to consume. Was this the gods' reward for him dealing with his father bumping uglies with his ex-girlfriend?

"You're going to be fixing Molly's version, actually. The little dear decided that instead of writing, she would just use magic. Somehow we ended up with a giraffe in Darrow's cubicle and the parchment engulfed in purple flames." Percy smiled absently as he fiddled with his paperclips. "Isn't she just a hoot?"

Albus's heart sunk. Life here at the Ministry had been even more hellish than normal ever since his eighteen year old cousin Molly, not the brightest wand in Ollivander's shop and the Hogwarts school bike back in the day, had begun working for her father. Even though the girl was dumb as a box of bludgers, it was her that always got the plum assignments, with Albus having to fix her mistakes. Fancy that.

"I'll get on it right away, sir."

"Wait, Albus! I'm in the mood for a morning coffee. One of those gingerbread lattes from that Starbucks place, please. And make it snappy!"

XXX

By the time he'd finished with the work of the day Albus was quite grateful it was a Tuesday, and therefore time for his weekly late lunch with Rose. Besides the parchment, Albus had been tasked with teaching Molly the wonders of alphabetical order, listening to Percy's pompous ramblings, fetching him sandwiches, and arranging the donation of the magicked giraffe to the London Zoo.

Albus Disapparated to the Leaky Cauldron and practically tumbled into his and Rose's usual booth. His curly haired cousin eyed him quizzically over the tops of her glasses as he buried his head in his hands.

"What's the matter, Al? Did James insult your manhood again?" she asked as she adjusted her blazer. Rose was a Healer at St. Mungo's and was currently one of the youngest, and most skilled, on staff. Truly her mother's daughter. "The waitress came around, so I ordered for you. Hope you were in the mood for shepherd's pie."

"No! This is much, much worse. I caught Dad this morning with Nora! They're sleeping together!"

Rose scrunched her freckled face in disgust. "Eww. How desperate."

"Hey! Nora is _not _desperate! She's a perfectly nice and not desperate person!"

"I meant desperate on your Dad's part, but okay. You're rather defensive of her, Albus. C'mon now. It's been three years."

Albus rolled his eyes. "If you think I haven't moved on, Rosie, you've got another thing coming to you. I'm so moved on, it's ridiculous."

"Oh, really?" A smile curved Rose's lips. "Then why are you still so upset over this Nora girl? And why haven't you dated at all since you guys broke up?"

"I've definitely been with other women! That date with Orleanna Macmillan, remember? And when I went to coffee with Kate from Magical Transportation!"

"Right. Two dates in three years. Tell me more," Rose said, taking a hearty sip of her butterbeer. Albus seethed.

"I-you-you know what, I am still upset, okay! She was my first love! We dated for three years, Rose! Do you want to know something? We never slept together, in all that time! She always told me that she wanted to wait for marriage. Well, she is definitely not married to my _dad_. Wonder what made her change her mind? Maybe it's his GIANT COCK!"

His last words caused a few of the pub patrons to stare.

Rose had a concerned expression on her face. "Don't scream vulgar nicknames for genitalia loudly in public, okay Al? And yeah. That _does _suck; I'm sorry. Honestly, it probably wasn't penis size that drew her to him, it was probably his money and fame, and status as a bit of a silver fox. I know what it's like to have your dad entranced by a gold-digger floozy, so I feel your pain."

"First of all, she is _not _a gold-digger or a floozy. Second of all, silver fox? Rose, you're his niece. I've had to deal with enough reasons for a brain douche today."

When Rose and Albus were in their third year, his Uncle Ron filed a wizarding patent for the magical sensors that had helped him pass his Muggle driver's test. He eventually made a killing and quit his job at the Auror Office in order to go into the sensor business full time. By the time they were fifth years Ron was a millionaire, the owner of the Chudley Cannons, and was in the middle of divorcing Aunt Hermione. By their seventh year, he had remarried some tarty blonde in a lavish Las Vegas wedding.

It was Rose's turn to roll her eyes. "Well, Albus, you seem to be unaware of the most obvious solution: asking your dad to cut it off with your ex. Make it clear that if he continues to see her, it'll damage your relationship. Uncle Harry wouldn't want that."

"I _can't _do that, Rose. It's too . . . direct and confrontational." The thought of confrontation made Albus's tongue itch. "Besides, I'm the loser who still lives at home with his parents-er, dad, so I owe him. I'd rather be a failure with a roof over his head than a failure out on the streets."

"See, Albus, this is why you have so many problems! You won't take risks and your self loathing gets in your own way. If you stood up to your Dad, you wouldn't have to deal with him banging Nora. If you stopped hating yourself, you could snag a new girlfriend. If you acted more assertive, perhaps Uncle Percy would notice you and promote you instead of playing with office supplies or whatever that benign megalomaniac does."

"Thanks, Doctor," Albus replied dryly.

Rose sighed. "But if you'd rather run from your problems, you could always just move out of your Dad's house."

"Easier said than done. Who could I move in with who'd want me as a flatmate?"

"Albus, are you pulling my leg? We're Weasleys. Britain is crawling with relatives with guest bedrooms you could occupy. First of all, what about James?"

The repulsed grimace on Albus's face made Rose immediately regret bringing him up.

"_James? _Rose, are you off your gourd? I'm not living with that prat! He's a prick, and the things he _does _with his prick . . . I'd end up throwing myself off of the Astronomy Tower."

"Drama queen. What about your Mum then? She's got to let you in. She's your Mum."

"Oh, all right, I'll talk to Mum. But why don't I just live with you, Rosie?"

After a few moments of awkward silence, Rose cleared her throat. "Al, you told me you never slept with Nora. Are you still a _virgin?_"

Albus's face reddened. "No, Rose, I am not."

"Oooh, then who was it?"

"I refuse to answer that question."

"Was it Miss Rosie Palms? She doesn't count, Albus."

"Oh, shut up!"

**Until next time . . . chapter 2 will be up soon! Thanks for reading! **


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